Justin fucking Bieber.

What? No seriously, what? Who sees what in this “ready to happen” molestation case? I mean seriously. Why, the fuck, do people like this infant? He looks like he crawled out of his mother’s vagina, grabbed her boobie, took a swig of milk, and started singing. This kid gets on my nerves.

I hate:

His face.

His hair.

His dressing sense.

His voice.

His music.

His eyes.

His ears (though I’ve never seen them through that mop on his head).

His teeth.

His eyelashes.

His fingernails.

His facial hair (Oh wait, he’s still not hit puberty).

His “gangsta-ness”.

His hand heart symbol.

His parents.

His grandparents.

His great-grandparents.

His great-great-grandparents.

His great-great-great-grandparents.

His great-great-great-great-grandparents.

His ancestors, for fucking.

His choice of words.

His catch-phrases.

Bieber Fever.

His vagina.

Him.

This child is a children’s sensation. And he’s let success get to his head. For fucks sakes, this boy doesn’t even know what race he is! LOOK:

He looks like Dorothy (from the Wizard of Oz), talks like Tommy from Rugrats, and dresses like 50 Cent. This kid has some major confusion problems. He needs to pull his head from his pubic-less ass, and behave his age. Like a ten year old.

I feel like if he had a lollipop in his hand, and I snatched it from him, he would cry. Then make a number one Billboard song about his experience with the nasty “Sweet Snatcher”. He’d go to a concert, flash my picture on a big screen licking his lollipop, shed a tear, start singing, and seven year old girls would faint.

Here’s an interesting game: scan through these lyrics of Justin Bieber’s song “Baby” and tell me how many words can you find that exceed the English level taught in grade four. Don’t even BOTHER reading it, because I didn’t. And if you DO want to read it, please let me how many lines in the song are ACTUALLY meaningful. Here we go:

Ohh wooaah (3x)
You know you love me,I know you care
Just shout whenever, And I’ll be there
You want my love, You want my heart
And we will never ever ever be apart

Are we an item? Girl quit playing
Were just friends, What are you saying
Said theres another, Look right in my eyes

My first love broke my heart for the first time,
And I was like
Baby, baby, baby ohhh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine mine

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine,mine (oh oh)

For you, I would have done whatever
And I just can’t believe, we ain’t together
And I wanna play it cool, But I’m losin’ you
I’ll buy you anything, I’ll buy you any ring
And im in pieces, Baby fix me
And just shake me til’ you wake me from this bad dream

Im going down, down, down, dooown
And I just cant believe my first love would be around.

And I’m like
Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohhh
I thought youd always be mine, mine

Luda
When I was 13, I had my first love,
There was nobody that compared to my baby,
And nobody came between us or could ever come above
She had me goin’ crazy,
Oh I was starstruck,
She woke me up daily,
Don’t need no Starbucks.
She made my heart pound,
And skip a beat when I see her in the street and,
At school on the playground,
But I really wanna see her on the weekend,
She know she got me gazin’,
Cuz she was so amazin’,
And now my heart is breakin’,
But I just keep on sayin’…

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine, mine

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine, mine

(I’m gone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (6x)
(Now Im all gone, now im all gone, now im all gone)
Gone, gone, gone,(gone)
I’m gone.

I’m pretty sure I saw Starbucks somewhere there. I’m not even going to bother going back to check. And of course, Ludacris joins the fray. The big douche teaching the little douche on how to be a successful douche-bag. Both of them need Super Nanny to send them to a corner, or Eric Cartman to feed their parents to them. How ridiculous are these fools? If Michael Jackson was alive, he would have probably been really tempted to take Justin Beiber to Neverland. I’m pretty sure Beiber waited till MJ was out of the picture before he showed his face.

Where’s the guy who punched Snooki when you need him? This kid needs a proper ass whoopin. THAT is what this kid needs. When the fuck will there be justice in this world? I wonder if he’s planning on getting a butterfly tramp stamp. With hearts. And “Luda’s” face. Douche-bags.

Oh wait! What’s this? Maybe some hardcore ass fucking will teach this premature elf what life really is.

EMINEM. SCHOOL THIS MOTHERFUCKER! Asad. Out.

Ahhhh…This woman. Usually people like things that come in small packages. Not this one! Nicole Polizzi, AKA, Snooki, is a cast member on a show called Jersey Shore. Now, I don’t follow the show, because I have more efficient ways of destroying my eye sight and ability to hear. BUT, I hear the show is a reality show about eight friends living……can you guess? On the shore of New Jersey! Brilliant isn’t it? I love the originality of the title. Who woulda thunk it?

Now to get to the person who seems too far from a star (or maybe IS a star. She’s pretty damn bright, with those teeth, make-up and flashy clothes). For those of you who don’t know how Snooki looks like, here’s a quick peek at her:

Except not as cute. Okay okay. That may have been a little mean, but I guarantee you, that you would have rather I left it with the image of Piglet, than show you this: *cue slasher music*

See what I mean? Doesn’t she look like a werepig? I totally just made that word up, but it works.

Werepig (wa-re-pig)

(n.) we-re-pigs, we-re-pig-lets, Sno-oki

1. Was a mythical creature thought to be nothing more than a myth, till the Jersey Shore premiered in 2009. The curse of were-creatures is that they transform at full moon. Werepigs do not transform. They remain werepigs their entire life. I don’t like werepigs.

2. Snooki

Now that we’ve cleared the definition of werepigs. Let us now embark on a journey to a land where Snooki is show in her true colors.

Do you know when you have a child, maybe around six to seven years old? When they draw a picture, or finish their homework, you compliment them. Well here’s a look at Snooki being complimented for her ability to read:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0KqzSUw6vQ

How sad is that? They treat her like a child! I mean she ALREADY looks like a gnome. I mean c’mon, have a heart. BLESS her……. She comes out, smiling with those pearly white fangs, the lump she got on her head after she got knocked the fuck out, and that cute squint thing she’s got going on……..Oh, she doesn’t have a squint? Oh….I could have sworn she goes cross eyed a few times. Maybe it’s the punch after effects. Because I can’t think of any other reason to why she couldn’t point at the chart when it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Ohhhhh Snooki. You’re such a hoot and a half.

Here’s an interesting fact. Do you know what Snooki’s ambition is in life? She wants to be a veterinary technician. What is that you ask? Well, I shall tell you. A veterinary technician is basically a sidekick to a veterinarian. She cleans the poopie and the peepee of the animals (Which she should be used to by now, since she’s a werepig and all). Or while the vet is injecting a poor kitty cat, she’s  the one holding them down. I’d assume she’d just get them to have a glimpse at her. That face would surely petrify any violent creature that comes into the vet’s office. I have to hand it to you Snooki, you picked a really good career path. Well it was either that or make a career in True Blood. Comic relief is always required.

Did you know that the nickname “Snooki” also has an interesting story behind it. You don’t care? Well, I’ll tell you! She got here nickname from the FILM “Save The Last Dance”. She was named after “Snooki The Cootchie Crook”, just because she turned out to be the first slut…..I MEAN…..was the first to mouth rape a guy in her middle school (I wonder if he turned out to be a werepig himself….I’m sure swine-saliva would transfer the disease).

Riddle me this: When you walk in a mall, and look around, you usually spot a handful of people. Those people are the ones who catch your eye. Why? Because they’re different. They stick out. They look possibly odd. Possibly even weird. Now that we’ve cleared that. Lets play a little game I like to call, spot the odd one out, on the following picture:

Can you tell me who does not fit in this picture?

Is it:

a) All the white stereotypical American youngsters

b) The werepig AKA Snooki

It really can’t be hard. Because if you said “b” you would be……………….WRONG. The werepig decided that the white stereotypical American youngsters do not fit in the picture. So shortly after this picture was taken, she devoured the kids. Thats what brought on the very famous Snooki quote, which she so proudly said while licking her claws: “White people…..mmmmm…..the OTHER white meat.”

This one is a warrior though….she fights for her rights, and stands up against corruption…..until Brad Ferro came in and she could stand no more. Now I’m totally against being even slightly abusive to women. I’m not even sure about how much the strength of a spank should be. But wow, can she take a PUNCH. I mean look:

“Give me my cookies now, or the claws of doom shall mess your hair UP!”

“Nu”

*Punches face into another dimension*

Ohhhh, Snooki! You are a wonder. What would we do without you? I rip on you because I love you. Ok, I don’t, but I feel mean ripping you a new one, when I don’t know what your purpose is on your TV show. In fact, what is your purpose in life, besides being treated like a five year old (notice how I keep going younger with the age. The more I know about Snooki, the more immature she gets in my eyes)? But does she deserve it? I do not know. I don’t know her personally, so I can’t say. All I can say is Snooki is now another beloved (flavor of the month) personality in Hollywood, and I am SURE she is going to pass the greats like Marylin Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Pamela Anderson (I just had to), and Julia Roberts. Snooki, we are proud of you, and CANNOT wait till you next appear in Steven Spielberg’s next…….Oops……wait……..

Never mind. Asad. Out.

I don’t know why I  am doing this…..I can’t fight the urge.

Hi, my name is Asad. My family name is Baakza. I am very honored to have the chance to share my ideas with the world. I know it is not easy to express ones thoughts. But I want to share mine. First of all, I would like to say I like music, and long walks on the bea………………………………*cue DJ scratch* REALLY? REALLY? No one gives two shits about who the blogger is and what he likes. Hell. Some people don’t care about what they like themselves (watch out for my subliminal messages).

I am here to talk about nothing. I am your guide to nothingness through the comfort of your home. I have nothing to share on a educational basis. I am here to point out things that exist in the world, and there being no point to any of those things. For example. Did you know that if you put your head inside a crocodile’s mouth he/she will not close it? But if a single drop of sweat falls onto his/her tongue, they snap their mouth shut. Has this information helped you in any possible way? Does it make you feel smarter? I mean were you going to stick your head into a crocodile’s mouth, EVER in your life? You must have seen The Crocodile Hunter do it a bunch of times on TV, and thought to yourself: “Hmmmm, that looks pretty cool. I should go to Australia and stick my head inside a crocodiles mouth……NOT. Hahaha, I’m pretty funny, I should make that joke more often with friends……I should be a comedian…….I would get a lot of money……Jerry Seinfeld can’t compare to the wonders I can show the world……..I wonder where Jerry is right now………All these actors just disappear………Well, they lead a tough life……..With all the paparazzi constantly following them…..They must need breaks………Unless they reach their breaking point………..I wonder if Michael Jackson’s really dead………”

Ahhhhh, zoning out…..Back to the point at hand….OH! Wait! Look!

SEE??! People DO try it! Which is quite strange. Is it to show how brave they are? Try hi-fiving a lion while you’re at it, “Mr. I think making out with a crocodile is super cool.” You know what else annoys me? It’s the fact that…….Oh wait……Oh…..the crocodile is showing some love back to him……its not mouth rape anymore. Ugh. They need to get a room. I can’t watch this anymore.

Asad. Out.